Here’s an idea to put an end, once and for all, to the endless controversies that have been roiling college campuses for the past few years: require all universities and colleges to adopt the following doctrinal statement from the Church of Social Justice at whose altar they already worship. Let them affirm their existence as Left Wing seminaries, designed to produce the next generation of social justice warriors and high priests for their faith.

The Church of Social Justice Doctrinal Statement for College Campuses

All students, faculty, administrators, and invited speakers would be required to affirm the following statement of faith. Its many contradictions can readily be reconciled once we understand they are united by a hostility to the dominant and repressive superstructures of white supremacy, patriarchy, heteronormativity, and traditional Christianity:

Our Past

We believe that America’s history, like that of the West, is one of systemic and endemic racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, and bigotry more generally.

We believe that the horrors wrought by slavery and Jim Crow in America and Nazism and fascism in Europe are all the history that anyone really needs to know.

Our Present

We believe that bigotry remains rampant and permeates our society as a whole. Claims that America has made great progress in becoming more inclusive and tolerant only function to comfort White America that its continuing privilege is justified.

Our Goal

We affirm that the eradication of bigotry in all its forms is the most pressing task we confront, followed only by the fight against climate change. We deny, however, that social justice can ever be achieved: America’s debt to its oppressed identity groups is inexpiable. Although there can be no redemption, we must seek in perpetuity by acts of penance by the privileged majority.

Our Task

We affirm as a first objective that all recognized identity groups be fairly and proportionally represented in all realms of life. 

We affirm that all disparities in representation and life outcomes between various identity groups are of the greatest concern—unless they benefit an oppressed group or are to the detriment of an oppressor group, in which case no attention is to be paid to them.

We affirm that all such disparities constitute incontrovertible evidence of the continued existence of discrimination and must only be blamed on injustices past and present.

We deny, and categorically forbid anyone from suggesting, that such disparities may in any way result from differences between identity groups—unless such differences imply the superiority of an oppressed group or the inferiority of an oppressor group.

We deny, and categorically forbid anyone from suggesting, that individual members of oppressed identity groups have any responsibility for any of these disparities. 

If anyone attempts to blame victims, let that person be anathema—especially if (s)he/ze is a member of an oppressed group. (S)he/ze shall be a traitor and shall cease to be counted among the living.

Ancillary Creeds

We affirm, depending on the context and the race in question, that race is either a social construct or a constitutive component of being. However, we deny, at least for now, that people are free to choose their race.

We affirm, depending on the context, that sexual orientation is either an immutable fact of life or a choice. We encourage any heterosexuals to come out of the closet but severely frown upon homosexuals who try to become straight—especially if Christianity is involved.

We affirm that all religions are the same: they all lead to the same God and all teach the same message of love—especially Islam. Evidence to the contrary is to be ignored, suppressed, or ascribed to mistaken extremist interpretations.

We affirm the important contributions of all cultures and civilizations to the well-being of humankind—except ours, which is responsible for the greatest harm caused to humanity and to the environment. 

We affirm that everything is to be tolerated—except intolerance, unless it is being displayed by an oppressed identity group in which case we will ignore it.

We reject all forms of cultural appropriation—unless the culture being expropriated is ours.

Words of Caution

We avoid speaking of Jews, outside of the context of the Holocaust, as they have overcome the past injustices they suffered and do not manifest the pathologies of a victimized group. The apartheid state of Israel, however, must be castigated and denounced.

We avoid speaking of Asians, outside of the context of Japanese internment camps, as they have overcome the past injustices they suffered and do not manifest the pathologies of a victimized group.

We avoid speaking of African immigrants to America, unless in reference to the shooting of Amadou Diallo, as they have overcome the past injustices they suffered and do not manifest the pathologies of a victimized group.